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The Idiotic Internet of Things (Your New Bing/ Yandex/ Facebook/ Yahoo/ DuckDuckGo Smart Home Controller)

Didit Editorial

January 15, 2014: Google’s acquisition of Nest for $3.2 billion made headlines around the world, fueling speculation among IOT (Internet of Things) pundits that other Silicon Valley companies may soon join Google in the lucrative “Conscious Home” equipment market.

Nobody knows what Google’s going to do with Nest, but that hasn’t stopped product managers at other Internet behemoths from proposing a set of bold new products that will give the folks from Mountain View a run for their money.

Here’s an advanced look at some of these game-changing products. They are mythical, but so are lot of things in Silicon Valley:

The Facebook HSC-9000 Home Social Controller
Facebook’s HSC-9000 is an instantly likeable Internet of Things device that automatically compares your room temperature to those of your neighbors and friends. You can manually set your room temperature using an intuitive, multi-page set up screen, but if you can’t figure out how to set these options, the Facebook Home Social Controller will set your house to a temperature its algorithms consider to be “normal” for your age group, income level, and generational cohort.

The DuckDuckGo Home Egg-U-Lator
This stripped-down, cookie-less digital thermostat with a tiny monochrome screen runs on FreeBSD, nginx, and Linux, and was originally developed for use in poultry incubators. The Home Egg-U-Later isn’t fancy, doesn’t store any personal data, and internally appears almost identical to the Yandex YAN-51 Fossil Fuel Sentinel (see below).

The Yahoo Thermo-Persona-Meter
Featuring the digitized voice of Marissa Meyer, this bright-purple, wall-mounted Internet of Things device will comment cheerfully on your daily habits in an effort to make these habits “inspiring, entertaining, and relevant.” Featuring a large 1024 x 768 pixel display upon which banner advertisements will scroll, the Thermo-Persona-Meter lets you subscribe to a variety of newsfeeds, including Weather Gossip, Storm Chasers, and The Insulation Channel.

The Yandex YAN-51 Fossil Fuel Sentinel
This utilitarian steel device only works with oil-heat furnaces running on a high grade of Russian crude, and like the Duck Duck Go Home Egg-U-Lator, refuses to learn anything about you for your own good. All connections from the YAN-51 to the furnace must be manually soldered by the user (a roll of Rosin Core solder is included with the product). Comfort adjustments can be easily made by prying off the external cover and modifying a row of DIP switches.

The Bing Hometop Thermal Assistant
Running an ultra-light version of Windows 8, the Bing Hometop Thermal Assistant (BHTA) conveniently lets Windows Live users preset their optimum room temperatures using new menu item tabs in Outlook, Powerpoint, and Word. A cute animated character (Woof, the Home Dog) will guide you through all of the set up options, and will bark audibly if things are getting too hot or cold. To disable access to the BHTA, either go to the settings menu of the Bing Search application and turn the Thermostat Activity Indicator to “Off,” or wave your hands in front of the device and say “Stop, Woof, Stop!”

For a more serious look at what today’s Internet of Things home controllers are capable of, TopReveal.com has a timely, highly readable article available for your inspection at:
http://topreveal.com/how-to-make-smart-home-smarter-than-you

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