Here are twenty sure signs that you need to “cool your optimization jets” for 24 hours
April 25, 2014: SEO is vital, crucial, essential, and there are millions of web pages out there that need its attention. But as we all know, doing too many of any one thing – even if it’s a great thing – can be damaging to your mental and physical well-being. Here are twenty sure signs that you may need to “cool your optimization jets” for 24 hours or more. Doing so will let your mind and body recover enough to re-index your relation to reality.
SEO Psychosis Danger Signs:
1. You are unable to touch any physical object without scraping it.
2. All the doorway exits in your apartment lead to the same exact room.
3. You no longer “unfriend” or “unfollow” people you don’t like. You “nofollow” them.
4. You feel frustrated by all the irrelevant, non-ranking, slow-loading factors that make up most of your personal life, especially “thin content” affiliate in-laws.
5. You irrationally demand to “view source” or “inspect element” of any document, even if it’s not on a computer.
6. Your strongest pickup line is: “hey there, wow, aren’t you canonical!”
7. You suffer from terrifying dreams in which you are pursued by doglike carnivorans, flightless Antarctic avians, or birds that fly backwards.
8. When you order a Greek Salad, it always somehow manages to arrive topped with Meta Cheese.
9. When you moved to your current dwelling, you sent the Post Office an HTTP 301 code instead of a change of address form.
10. You no longer mow your lawn or tend your garden; you “tweak,” “sculpt,” “spin,” or “stuff” it.
11. You met your last girlfriend/boyfriend in the Google Webmaster Tools Crawler forum area.
12. You are unable to view any rectilinear object (for example, a painting in a museum) without automatically moving your eyes to the top-left corner of the object to discern the most “clickable” part of it.
13. You own more than two items of clothing emblazoned with an image of Matt Cutts.
14. That nice girlfriend/boyfriend you met on the Google Webmaster Tools Crawler forum area left you for someone with a higher Quality Score.
15. You find yourself unnaturally intrigued by the possibility that any white object appearing in your field of vision may contain invisible text.
16. You have more fun writing XMLImport strings than playing with your pet.
17. You’ve scotch-taped Alt Tags to all the paintings and photos hanging on the walls of your apartment, just in case a new robot is invented next week that can use this data.
18. Your index finger has actually turned yellow from using the Schema Highlighter so much.
19. Your first (and probably last) tattoo is: “Not Provided.”
20. You know Jacob King personally.
Therapy Options
Disconnecting – for between 24 and 36 hours – from the continuous parade of actionable organic metrics can often restore the tired, stressed, sub-optimized SEO Brain to a reasonable state of equilibrium. Once the SEO professional is sufficiently rested and re-oriented to the ordinary world, exposure to Big Data can begin in a way gradual enough to avoid prompting any nightmares or return to undesirable behavior patterns (e.g. compulsive link-building). After the patient reaches a benchmark level of psychological homeostasis and passes a simple Semantic Schema aptitude test, he or she can begin normal SEO practices again, under supervised outpatient care. Talk therapy, one-on-one and in a persona-centric group setting, can be utilized to convince difficult patients that “keywords are really nothing more than keywords.”
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